Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Some Protips for Ordering food if you want it done right.

Customer: what y'all have on special today?

Me: the veggie delight.

Him: oh... god no, I'm a carnivore, I need meat.

Me, forgoing the obvious meat comment: okay, did you want all the stuff? Veggies and cheese? 

Him: yes.

Me again: so you are an omnivore then?

Him: well, yeah, I guess, but veggies are what food eats...

Me: you are a valid food source?

Him: can I have my sandwich please?

1. Get off the fucking phone. 

It's hard enough for those of us making small wages to give a shit, but when you are chatting up your BFF while trying to order something, we are going to screw up your order. Order retention only works if we have the correct set of information. When you are talking to other people while ordering we are getting two sets. Trying to get someone else order? get it BEFORE you come to the counter.

2. Don't ask for separate tickets in the drive thru.

Just, no. Need to place different orders? walk the fuck inside lazy ass. Drive Thru is a chaotic environment, and you are only slowing down the entire process doing it that way.

3. Don't tell us what you do want on it, tell us what you don't want on it.

I promise it's going to go better for you. We don't need you to tell us what comes on it normally.

"Give me a large wheat Ham Sammich with no onions" works better than your yammering ass asking for a "Uh.....Ham... *uh.... um, with mayo and (long pause while you figure out how to use human speech) Make it large... mustard is okay. put it on wheat with no onions. (followed by more of the Uh, ums) I want lettuce (yeah, more ums) tomato... but no onions"

In other words be Concise!

4. Enunciate motherfucker!

This might make me sound like an asshole, but if you talk like you have a dick in your mouth while you're ordering then that's what you are going to get. Don't whisper, and don't mumble.

5. Don't be an asshole.

Shouldn't have to say that one. I know you've had a long day at work, maybe your boss got on your case or whatever, but you know what, we've had a long day too, putting up with mumblemouthed dumbasses in the drive thru, on their phones asking for separate tickets while our boss yells at us.

Be nice to us, we'll be nice to you. You may get an awesome sandwich too.

Me: Need a bag?

Customer: No, I'm good

Me: Darth Vader good or Luke Skywalker Good?

Him as he walks away: Luke Skywalker!

Co Worker, quietly: Luke Skywalker would have tipped.

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